Last Goodbye
by sidlelove
Summary: Catherine's last goodbye to her love. Oneshot songfic. C/S centered, if it's not your thing this isn't the story for you.


**Last Goodbye**

**I heard this song today and thought it fit Sara and Catherine. The story follows the show's timeline, the only change is that in my story Cath and Sara were together before Sara leaves CSI the first time. I hope you all like the story. Just fyi, it's not a happy story really (maybe to GSR fans it's happy)**

**The song is Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley (beautiful song by an awesome artist). **

**Disclaimer: CSI characters are not mine, they are of CBS and jerry bruckheimer and all those people...ENJOY :)**

* * *

_"To die and part is a less evil; but to part and live, there, there is the torment" - George Lansdowne_

The hallways seemed to be narrowing as she walked closer to her destination. Catherine Willows, feeling one of the most helpless in her life walked past the light brown walls, old wooden doors and chattering people. She wasn't hearing anything as if she had gone temporarily deaf but she still managed to nod contently at the familiar faces she saw as she reached them. But one face stood out from all of them. The plain simple white dress looked beautiful on her. And her hair swayed with the artificial air blowing around her. She gave Catherine a longing look and stepped forward. Leave it to Sara Sidle to make Catherine's heart fluster with just a look.

"Hi," Sara said softly at the blonde who just stood stunned.

Catherine wanted to reply, and even say so many things but they had an audience. She looked at everyone around, smiles playing on their lips and joking around. She wished she could feel the same way but she was slowly breaking trying to just stand on her feet. But she needed to talk to her, she just had to, one last time. She took a deep breath and turned to Sara who had not taken her eyes off of Catherine the whole time.

"Can I talk to you?" Catherine asked at which Sara nodded.

To her surprise, Sara took Catherine's hand and she followed Sara into the women's bathroom nearby. Sara leaned on the sinks while Catherine leaned on the stall door and crossed her arms. She stared at the brunette who kept staring at her feet refusing to make eye contact.

"Are you okay?" Catherine asked with no intention of knowing the answer. But it was common courtesy and she decided that she should at least follow that.

Sara didn't answer, she just kept staring at her feet shifting her weight from one leg to the other. Catherine frowned heavily. Why was she the one feeling so uncomfortable?

"What is it Sara?" Catherine asked a bit harshly than she had intended. When Sara looked up to meet eyes with Catherine, she was sure that Sara was hurt by the harshness in Catherine's voice.

"I just…" She trailed off and dropped her gaze down to the floor again.

"You just what?" Catherine said biting her lips fighting back the lump in her throat.

Sara looked up and tilted her head giving Catherine a knowing look. And for once, Sara looked beaten and that itself broke Catherine's heart into million pieces.

_This is our last goodbye  
_

_I hate to feel the love between us die _

"I'm so sorry," Sara said finally after letting a long silence fill around them.

Catherine was unable to say anything but it was getting very hard to keep the tears from forming in her eyes. She shook her head and dropped her head closing her eyes tightly.

"I hate to do this, I really do. But…" Sara trailed off again.

Catherine wanted to hit Sara really badly. She wanted to just shake the brunette so tightly and tell her to not do it. But she knew she couldn't, or maybe she knew that it wouldn't make a difference. So she just stared at the ground refusing to show any weakness to Sara.

"I never wanted to hurt you," Sara continued talking. Her voice used to be so soothing but at the moment, all Catherine could do was curse her for just talking because it was ripping her apart. "Things just happened so fast after…you know…I left and he was…and we lost contact…I just…" She kept saying after pausing several times.

"Shut up," Catherine finally snapped. She looked up to see Sara giving her that same beaten look. But this time, it angered her. "I have heard all this already. What's the point?"

"I…I just…I don't know," Sara shrugged. "I guess there isn't really a point."

"I know what the point is," Catherine said harshly. "What we had, the times we spent with each other, all the times you told me that you loved me, all that is dead now." Her voice got louder with every word.

Sara opened her mouth to say something but she decided to keep it to herself. And Catherine appreciated it. Because it was her time to talk.

_But it's over  
_

_Just hear this and then i'll go  
_

_You gave me more to live for  
_

_More than you'll ever know _

"We," Catherine pointed at Sara and back at her. "are over."

"I know," Sara said and tried to step forward but Catherine stopped her.

"Don't talk, just listen," Catherine pleaded softly, her tone softened and the anger in her face started to fade. "I have listened to you try to explain to me why we are standing here today and for the life in me, I can't process it."

Sara stopped at her tracks and watched Catherine gather herself, trying just to talk. And it hurt her, it hurt her a lot.

"This is most probably my fault," Catherine shrugged letting out a dry chuckle. "I didn't try to stop you when you left. I didn't leave everything behind and go to you. I let the distance between us get bigger and now I'm paying the price."

"No…" Sara said softly but the one look Catherine shot at her shut her up.

"The times we spent, those years we held each other hands and slept in each other arms?" Catherine said with a smile. "Those were some of the best years of my life. You made me smile for no reason and you made me feel so loved. I'll always cherish that because it still makes me smile."

Sara finally smiled but slightly. If someone didn't know her, they wouldn't have caught that smile but Catherine knew every movement and every inch of that beautiful face and she always managed to recognize that hidden smile anywhere.

"I still love you and I wish so many things were different today," Catherine said softly and stepped forward. "I wish things worked out differently for us. I wish you didn't leave and I wish he didn't love you more than me." She said with a painful gulp. "I wish we didn't have to say goodbye."

She said shortening the gap between them. Sara kept staring into Catherine's eyes as if she was trying to find something she had lost. But only Catherine knew that, no one was ever going to find that twinkle in her eyes ever again, not even Sara.

_This is our last embrace  
_

_Must I dream and always see your face _

With a lot of courage, Catherine put her arms around Sara's waist hugging her tightly as if she was hugging her life goodbye.

"I wish you would stop invading my dreams for me to wake up and see that you're not next to me," Catherine mumbled onto Sara's chest while the brunette held her close. "I wish I could have you back. It hurts so much to know that I could be the happiest person on earth today rather than him."

She lifted her head up to meet Sara's deep brown eyes. There was something in her eyes, as if she thought the same.

_Why can't we overcome this wall_

_Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all _

"Why does it have to be this way?" Catherine asked with her hands still on Sara's waist and loving the feel of Sara's hands on her shoulder. "Why can't we work this out?"

"Cath, you know we can't. It's too late," Sara shook her head. But it seemed as if she was trying to convince herself than Catherine.

"Why did we let it become too late," She gripped Sara's waist tightly. "What happened to you? Why did you just leave like that?"

"I told you, I had to go," Sara said sympathetically. "It just happened…so fast. I didn't have the time to think it out."

"You think everything twice in your head before you make one step," Catherine shook Sara slightly by the waist. "What happened this time? How did he change you this much Sara?"

"Please…don't do this Cath," Sara cupped Catherine's cheek.

"Or is this the real you?" Catherine asked spitefully, squinting her eyes at Sara. "Maybe I never knew you. Not the way he does."

"No..." Sara said shaking her head. "What you knew was the real me Cath, you know that."

"No, I don't know," Catherine tried to push away but Sara held her close. "I don't know anything anymore." Catherine softly slapped Sara's chest right above the heart. "Why did you let us fall apart? For him?"

"It wasn't for him," Sara said between gritted teeth. She really didn't know what to tell Catherine. How could she explain something to someone else when she herself didn't understand most of it?

"Then what?" Catherine said loudly. "You never came back for me." She hit Sara on the shoulder.

"You never came for me either," Sara retorted as loudly as Catherine. Her grip on Catherine's shoulder tightened painfully.

Catherine looked as if she was either going to scream or hit Sara again. But she did neither. She just stared at Sara, deep into her eyes. And Sara did the same.

"I'm so sorry," Sara said softly, again cupping Catherine's face. "I wish…"

"No…" Catherine shook her head telling Sara she didn't want to hear it again. She couldn't.

_Kiss me, please kiss me  
_

_But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation _

And Sara didn't say anything. She just leaned forward and pressed her lips on Catherine's, her arms slowly wrapping around the blonde's neck. Catherine pushed her lips apart slightly, welcoming the familiar warmth that came from Sara's kisses, her hands tightening around Sara's waist. Their lips stayed locked on each other's, their tongues seeking what they had lost, their lips memorizing every feel and taste of each other.

Suddenly, it hit Catherine. This was the last time she would feel this from the woman she loved. The trapped sobs escaped her lips and tears rolled down her cheek but she made sure her lips stayed against Sara's. And she felt apart. Her sobs got louder but to her glee, Sara didn't stop kissing her. She just held Catherine tightly in her arms and tasted every tear that met her lips. That was all Sara wanted to do.

_You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time  
_

_I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye _

While Catherine fell apart in her arms, Sara's mind was slowly exploding with thoughts. She knew she shouldn't be kissing Catherine but it felt so right. It felt right to hold the blonde in her arms and feel her body in her hands. But she also knew that what she was doing was only going to hurt Catherine. So against all the cells in her body, she pulled away from the kiss. Catherine kept crying, her head dropped making Sara smell her hair. The smell that always made Sara's heart skip a beat.

Sara gulped down loudly trying to keep herself together but Catherine's hurt filled sobs were like arrows piercing through her whole body, hurting every inch of her. She gritted her teeth when Catherine laid her head on her chest and gripped her waist tightly. And all Sara could do was hold her back and run her fingers through her hair, letting the blonde cry it out. Then she realized, if she let Catherine get comfortable in her arms again, she would end up hurting her all over again. And she would rather die than hurt Catherine like that again.

So she slowly put her hands on Catherine's shoulder pushing her back. Catherine looked up to match blue with brown.

"We can't do this," Sara said softly at which Catherine bit her lips hard.

_Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'  
_

_And did you rush to the phone to call _

Sara watched Catherine who didn't say anything in regards to her words. She felt Catherine's hands on her waist and all she could wish was to have that feeling there for the rest of her life. There were no tears in Catherine's eyes anymore, but sobs still escaped her reddened lips. Sara squinted her eyes at Catherine as if trying to make sure she would never forget even one line on Catherine's face.

She started to remember all the nights she laid in bed wishing for it to be Catherine who was laying next to her. She remembered every single flinch of hers that came when he touched her since she knew it wasn't Catherine. She remembered all the times she had tried to turn away from him and run to Catherine, whom she called home. All the nights she spent wondering why Catherine wasn't with her, questioning whether she should call her, thinking whether she had moved on and whether she was happy. All the times she wished she was holding Catherine's hands instead of his. Him…Gil Grissom.

_Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind  
_

_Saying maybe you didn't know him at all  
_

_You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know _

Sara ran her thumb over Catherine's cheek wiping her wet skin. Her fingers trailed up her cheek to her hair, raking the finger through the silky hair down to her neck, memorizing the feel of the blonde's skin. She smiled inside when she realized that she knew everything about Catherine, she remembered every single detail in her life and every inch of her body. Not the way she knew Grissom. No, she never took the time to know the man as much as she did with Catherine. Maybe because he never meant as much as Catherine. And she knew that he might never mean as much to her even in the future.

Catherine's eyes were half closed enjoying the feel of Sara's finger slowly running down her neck to her arm lazily and seductively. But just then, the door opened and both women stepped away from each other. Catherine quickly wiped her face and turned to the door to see Sophia at the doorway.

"Sar, it's time," She said to the brunette who nodded and said she would be right there. With a nod Sophia closed the door after shooting a calming smile at Catherine.

"We should go," Catherine said clearing her throat. But Sara kept staring at the blonde.

"I will never love anyone else more than I love you, you know that right?" Sara said bluntly making Catherine smile.

Without a word, Catherine stepped closer to Sara and hugged the younger woman one last time. "Me either."

And they let go of each other and walked out of the bathroom towards the familiar faces waiting for them, their last goodbye to each other said in silence.

_Well, the bells out in the church tower chime  
_

_Burning clues into this heart of mine _

Throughout the whole ceremony, Catherine sat in a haze. She wasn't focusing on what anyone was saying. Her eyes were set on Sara's lips that barely moved. Everyone around them had smiles on their lips, thinking that the smile on Sara's lips were true and honest. But only Catherine knew the unsaid words behind that smile.

"If there is anyone who feels that these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace," The minister spoke to the guests all of whom chuckled as if that was the dumbest question to ask.

Catherine rolled her eyes at the reaction from the guests and turned to the front to see Sara looking straight at her. Catherine gulped down and quickly looked away just when the minister went forward with the ceremony.

"…I now pronounce you husband and wife," The words hit Catherine like a meteor that crushed her and left her alive to live through the pain. "You may now kiss the bride." With that, Catherine dropped her gaze to the floor and closed her eyes when she heard everyone clap at probably the kiss. She did not know and she did not want to know either.

When the cheering calmed down, Catherine looked up to see Sara and Grissom walk down hand in hand which made Catherine sick. She quickly stood up and hurried past the crowd that was gathering around the couple, not towards the newlyweds but towards the exit.

_Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories  
_

_Offer signs that it's over... _

As she walked towards the door, the times she spent with Sara laughing and crying, playing around and enjoying the company with Lindsey kept replaying in her mind like a broken video reel. Catherine wondered how she would ever forget the flustering feeling she got anytime she looked into Sara's deep, mesmerizing eyes. How would she ever forget the feel of the brunette's soft touches, her kisses, her embraces, her love?

She turned her head to take a look at Sara one last time. And to her surprise, even amongst the crowd hovering around her, she saw the brown eyes staring at her. Catherine knew Sara wanted her there but she just couldn't handle knowing the fact that the woman she loved the most was now her best friend's wife. No, she couldn't do it today.

So she raised her hand and waved her love goodbye, her last goodbye. Without waiting for Sara's reaction, she pushed the huge wooden door open and walked out. Out of Sara's life, not knowing where she was going, only knowing that wherever she went, she would have the memories of the love of her life with her for the rest of her life.

For now, that might just be enough.

_It's over._

_

* * *

_**Thanks for reading. Let me know what you thought :) **

**cheers people...**_  
_


End file.
